Frail
by evening spirit
Summary: Castiel is becoming human. A continuation of sorts of my earlier story Half Way


Disclaimer: The characters and the universe of Supernatural belong to its creators.

Summary: Castiel is becoming human . . .

A/N: I'm very curious what Kripke's plan of "weaving Dean into the mythology of the show" means, exactly. This is my idea-of-the-week. It's somewhat connected to my earlier story "Half Way", although it's not a direct continuation. That story focuses on Mary Winchester; this one is all Castiel.

.

Frail

--

It's the human frailty, he begins to think. But he knows better than that. Humans are not frail, even if his breath could crush them. Even though the sight of his face burns their eyes, and the sound of his voice makes their ears bleed. Their bodies are dust, their immortal souls no more than a flame of a candle, compared to his super-nova -- and he's only the third Choir of the third Triad, the lowest of heavenly Orders. And yet humans are the Father's favorite creation.

What then makes them so special?

Castiel has been watching them from afar for eternity. A few brushes with mankind on the few stages of looming apocalypse in their short history were not enough to give him the necessary insight.

Until he's been given this mission.

He has been a guardian angel of countless souls throughout eternity, being the minion of the Fourth of the Seven Who Stand Before the Lord: Sealtiel. He cared for the children who breathed the air of Earth for the first time on the fourth day of the week. And one child who breathed on the third day.

This child was prayed for. Mary, born on the fourth day, in charge of Sealtiel and Castiel, prayed to her angel to grant her a protector of those she loved. And Sealtiel, by Lord's order and creation, gave her one. The boy was impatient, though, eager to live and refused to wait till Thursday. His first cry tore apart the Wednesday night and placed him under Uriel's shield. But Castiel was assigned to him as well, from the day the boy was promised to Mary.

This alone made the boy different from countless souls he guarded and cherished and loved. Another reason was him being a special creation, the answer to the prayer.

And final proof of unique quality of one Dean Winchester was revealed to Castiel shortly after his charge's death.

Castiel was certain he'd failed. Him and Sealtiel and Uriel the Seraphim, they all failed to prevent the boy from sacrificing his life for his brother. The sacrifice was not wrong on itself -- after all it had been his destiny to protect Sam Winchester at all cost, that was the sole purpose of his creation. It was the way the sacrifice was made. By the deal with a demon. And for that Dean's bright soul went to Hell, where his fire would soon have been extinguished.

But shortly after his death the First Seal was broken.

And Castiel was given the order to drag this precious, unique soul back from Hell. Because maybe, just maybe he could protect more than his brother alone. Maybe he could protect six billion souls if Lucipher was ever released.

Castiel does not understand how that is to be. The army of angels has been sent to walk the Earth in an attempt to prevent breaking any more Seals. The same army will face the Lucipher and his army of fallen angels if need be. They are equals. Humans are merely a dust.

But he has been told -- God's words relayed by Sealtiel, the Archangel, -- that it will happen; a human will save the Earth. And angels are not to question. They know -- it's more than a belief -- they know that each time the apocalypse is imminent it is a son of man who prevents it. And it is not because humans are stronger, for they aren't.

So maybe it is because they are weaker?

Their frailty is fascinating. Castiel had to be careful around them, always, but now, since he possesses this body he must be even more considerate. One non-restricted thought would burn his vessel.

Their minds are fascinating in their limitations; the light of their thoughts bind by biology, by flesh. And now Castiel's thoughts are just as bind. Now he begins to comprehend the nature of thinking in such congested setting. He cannot stretch beyond the flesh and he begins, or hopes he begins, to share their view of the world.

Dean Winchester's mind is fascinating. It is fascinating to Castiel how he can tune in, work in sync with this mind, know the soul's ambitions, fears, know what drives him better than Dean knows it himself. That's how it always was -- with Dean and with countless other souls Castiel guarded, each of them individual, each of them special and unique. But he never paid any attention to how it was done, and it's different now, it is.

Castiel used to know all things about all his souls. After all he walked by their side every step of their lives. He doesn't any more. Now he's sole focus of attention is Dean Winchester. It's good, because limited by this flesh, Castiel might not be able to embrace all humans he used to guard. Other angels are doing that for him now; he guards Dean Winchester.

And he becomes obsessed with him. Is it good, too? Castiel isn't certain any more. Obsession is a human trait; does it mean he, the angel, congested by flesh, is becoming more human? He wants to understand humans; he'd always tried to understand them.

No! He always understood them!

That's what he was created for, but it used to be easier, it used to be natural; without question, without wondering how or why. He used to understand them almost like God understands them.

He doesn't any more.

He questions, like an angel isn't supposed to.

What makes them special? What makes them unique? What makes him, Dean Winchester, unique? Castiel doesn't know any more, but he knows that if he allowed himself to spread the wings of his angelic mind, he would understand Dean and all the others just like he used to. But he cannot do that, not as long as he's bind by this flesh. He has to think as a human now; he has to question and doubt.

He knows the same thing is happening to his brothers. Uriel doubts. He doubts to the point where he is ready to neglect the Lord's direct order, because it seemingly will violate another order.

God said to prevent breaking the Seals, and yet here he says to follow Dean Winchester's lead, what will inevitably result in breaking a Seal. God said Sam Winchester cannot be allowed to use his powers. And yet here, Sam uses them. And the angels aren't allowed to stop it, because they are ordered to follow Dean Winchester's orders.

Minds bind by flesh are forced to face contradictions at every turn and Castiel thinks it's because they are not immersen in the Answer the way angels are. He knows they choose different ways of finding their path through uncertainity. Some believe, some learn, some pretend they don't think about it at all.

It's the choice, Castiel finally understands. It's the choice they are given in the midst of questions; it's the choice they make.

"If I were to do it again," Dean says, "I'd do it exactly the same way."

This is the choice he's made.

Castiel believes in Dean Winchester. It's the only way he can survive this onslaught of doubts, of contradictory orders, conflicting purposes. Castiel remembers -- doesn't know, not how he used to, but remembers he knew, once -- that God believes in Dean Winchester. So he chooses this belief to be his beacon while he's bind by flesh.

--  
.end


End file.
